feeling down

i'm feeling totally and utterly down lately... to be exact, it's since eastern or since i gave in to those damn chocolate eggs!!! everything got downhill from there!

i know it's no big deal and those chocolates over eastern won't kill me. but my mind is killing me!! there is this non-stop voice in my head telling me "your so fat! why are you still eating?! can't you see that you are growing by the minute?!" and it is so draining!!! it needs all my power to not give in and just stop eating or restrict to a very low calorie intake!! and this then leads to binging because then again my voice in my head tells me the utter opposite like "it doesn't even matter now, you had this chocolate/or whatever so you can have ten more" or things like that and this leads to eating until i literally can't anymore.
i feel so embarrassed to even write this down!! but i have to, because then it becomes real and maybe it will be easier to do something against it.
in therapy this week we talked a little about my "over-eating" (which thank god isn't this great amount anymore because i can't eat as much as i could a few years ago) and came to the conclusion (it's not that i didn't know this before but to actually talk about it is a different story) that it shows that i'm hungry for something. emotionally. but i just can't get a hold to what it is!! it is just to deep and to be honest i'm totally scared to find out!

alright... i already wrote too much.. i just don't want to bother anyone with my stupid problems and thoughts, so i'm going to upload my pics from yesterday's and today's food (could not take a picture of everything, especially from my binge..) and will make another short post with all the pics and short description.

so... i wish everyone who has the patience to even read here a very nice day/evening/night and stay strong and take care!!

love
n.