trying to look forward (and only FORWARD!!)

Aww.... Thank you two soooo much for posting!!! And for the encouragement!! I really needed some positive words!

This past week was a real roller coaster... A few ups and many downs. But nothing major...

I came to the conclusion that i need to buy new pants so I won't feel this uncomfortable all the time (and constantly be reminded of this damn weight gain!!) so i went shopping yesterday and bought awesome jeans (I just have to try not to think about the size because it fits really loose and feels good!!) and an other pair of pants. Feel good about it. So trying not to over-analyse anything!

I'm so looking forward to next week. My mom and I planned a Juice-Fast a long time ago and this comes right in time!! I hope this will break this thing I'm in and I know I can enjoy this coming summer no matter what. I just have to!!

I'm sorry but I wont update this much in the next few weeks.

First of all I will be on holiday again next week :) actually this are my real holidays because the last  week I went I just helped out with planning and cooking. I'm looking forward to revising my whole english stuff and just do nothing else... Of course we will go hiking and I will do some ballet, yoga and calisthenics but nothing major, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then I'll have my CAE-exams (oral exam on 06/06 and writing on 06/17) and will be happy if they are over. I will definitely miss going to class and do something regular but maybe I will update here more regularly so this will be a good thing!

Hope you all have a great time and enjoy everything.

Keep up all your good work you all inspire me like no others! Thank you!

Much love from

the SwissGirl

bad discovery leading to bad thoughts

I just can't believe it!!!

Today I stepped on my scale for the first time in about two month and am truly devastated!!

I weigh 130 pounds!!!! This just can't be true... I really don't think I look this heavy and this just scares me!! Up until now I always knew I see myself bigger then I really am, but with this new weight I just don't know what to do with it!! I know my pants still fit (although a little tighter) and I wear jean sized 29, which definitely is NOT big (at least this is what i always tell myself!). But this number freaks me out sooooo much!! It is truly scaring me! Where will this lead to? I already had the desire to loose some pounds for the summer month before knowing how heavy I am, because I would definitely not feel comfortable waring tiny shirts, hot pants or even skirts and I want to wear skirts this year again!! So know my head tells my I need to loose 15 pounds, which is definitely too much but I know I would fell better at that weigth (or is this just ED talking?!) I just wanna feel girly and pretty and..... just not like THIS!

Damn! I don't like knowing where this will lead to! I have to keep in mind NOT to restrict and just workout a more! Just little by little a few minutes here and there! And of course STOP with mindless snacking!!

I'll only eat at my kitchen table and NOT in front of the tv from now on!! I'll end with my dinner (which usually is a salad) and NOT have a dessert, if desired any sweets it will only come in form of a snack pre dinner!

I know now what and how much I can eat to maintain, so for the next few weeks I will decrease just a tiny little bit just so I'll loose at least one jean-size. I think this is manageable and still healthy! I just hope so!

Oh and most of all: I need to loosen up a little and NOT think so much about food!! About thinking what and what not to eat and all this stuff!!! This is doing me no good!! I know it and I already am feeling it (my 'once a month'-friend is late!!).

So... Stop rambling and bugging you all with this! But I just had to get this all out of my system!! Because I had such a great talk with my mom yesterday about my ED and even about my self-harming (sorry for mentioning this! I definitely do NOT want to trigger anyone!) which I never before talked with her about! To be honest I only talked about this with my niece when she had a hard time and after I discovered a few scares, so I took her aside and talked to her! So this was a really big deal for me. Knowing that my mom was worried for me because (of course) she felt and kind of saw how I struggled was really stange to hear. But this is a whole other story and I don't want this post become any longer!

So I hope you all are doing better and keep fighting!! I know it is worth it and I just need to remind myself once in a while, how good I'm doing and how far I got!

Have a great day everyone!!

Love from

the SwissGirl

EDIT: Oh and just so you have something nice to look at, here are pics of the fox-puppies (do you call them puppies?!) we have in the deserted garden opposite our office, aren't they too cute?

weekend 5/9-10

hey everyone...!

only a short update... i'm just don't feel like writing at the moment. but i've got lots of pics from this weekend!!

my week was quite good, i did good eating-wise and my mood was almost all the time positive! yay!!

weekend was even better. nice weather, good company, awesome food. sunday i had a tiny set back but given the efford i made the whole week, i try to convince myself that it was no big deal! so here are my pics:

saturday:

breakfast (part 1): overnight oats, mashed banana, frozen berries, flax

breakfast (part 2): three biscuits with butter, energy bar and handful almonds

lunch: quinoa with peas and tomatoes along with cottage cheese and half an avocado

dinner 'on-the-go': greek yogurt with mango and almonds and a babybel cheese

snack #1: five ricecakes - three with butter, two with almond-butter

snack #2: small scoop bj's caramel chew chew with some heated raspberries

sunday:

breakfast: same as saturday (even same pic) ;)

a.m. snack: (no pic) one toast with salmon and onions on it

(i was the whole day at my mom's - mothers day - so could not take a pic of everything! but we had a really great day!!)

lunch: chinakohl and carrot salad with one slice w/w bread topped with an egg

snack: my mothers day-gift :) i did some baking at my mom's - sexy low-fat vanilla cupcakes (from vctotw) with chocolate ganache a layer lemon cream and topped with strawberries - i just loooooove baking!!!

dinner: cottage cheese, two w/w crackers, greek yogurt with (left-over) strawberries and mango and a mini cupcake

after this i had a few more things but nothing major since it was all healthy things (dates, coconut and so on....)

i hope you all had a great weekend with lots of sun and fun!! :)

can't say when i'll be back blogging 'normal'... we'll see!

keep strong and good - i know you can!

love from

the swiss-girl

(kind of happy and ready) monday 05/04

i'm back :)

after a really great week in which i enjoyed good company, cooked well and was quite good to myself, i'm return to the blog-world with a huuuuuuuge amount of blogs to catch up...! actually i looked forward to reading all your posts again!!

i left my camera in my mothers car, so no pics 'till i got it back. or at least no new pics. i have a lot of pics from last week. nature was overwhelmingly beautiful and i took tons of pictures from flowers and all the trees and bushes around our france-house! it was awesome! i will post little by little over the next few day, so you have something to look at ;) !

so... i think my posting will start slowly again but i will be back to blogging every (other)day soon.

hope you all had a great week, otherwise i'll read about it ;)

keep up with all your good work and enjoy every moment you have!!

i think that's the main thing i took with me from last week....! live in the moment and enjoy every second you get!!

love from

the swiss-girl

edit:

i uploaded a few photos for you. here you see out house! it was the brightest day you could imagine!!

and here you see our backyard, soooo much green!! isn't it idyllic?! :)

and.... something i don't usually get... a pic of my which i kind of like (even if i look huuge :/ ) :)