Today I stepped on my scale for the first time in about two month and am truly devastated!!
I weigh 130 pounds!!!! This just can't be true... I really don't think I look this heavy and this just scares me!! Up until now I always knew I see myself bigger then I really am, but with this new weight I just don't know what to do with it!! I know my pants still fit (although a little tighter) and I wear jean sized 29, which definitely is NOT big (at least this is what i always tell myself!). But this number freaks me out sooooo much!! It is truly scaring me! Where will this lead to? I already had the desire to loose some pounds for the summer month before knowing how heavy I am, because I would definitely not feel comfortable waring tiny shirts, hot pants or even skirts and I want to wear skirts this year again!! So know my head tells my I need to loose 15 pounds, which is definitely too much but I know I would fell better at that weigth (or is this just ED talking?!) I just wanna feel girly and pretty and..... just not like THIS!
Damn! I don't like knowing where this will lead to! I have to keep in mind NOT to restrict and just workout a more! Just little by little a few minutes here and there! And of course STOP with mindless snacking!!
I'll only eat at my kitchen table and NOT in front of the tv from now on!! I'll end with my dinner (which usually is a salad) and NOT have a dessert, if desired any sweets it will only come in form of a snack pre dinner!
I know now what and how much I can eat to maintain, so for the next few weeks I will decrease just a tiny little bit just so I'll loose at least one jean-size. I think this is manageable and still healthy! I just hope so!
Oh and most of all: I need to loosen up a little and NOT think so much about food!! About thinking what and what not to eat and all this stuff!!! This is doing me no good!! I know it and I already am feeling it (my 'once a month'-friend is late!!).
So... Stop rambling and bugging you all with this! But I just had to get this all out of my system!! Because I had such a great talk with my mom yesterday about my ED and even about my self-harming (sorry for mentioning this! I definitely do NOT want to trigger anyone!) which I never before talked with her about! To be honest I only talked about this with my niece when she had a hard time and after I discovered a few scares, so I took her aside and talked to her! So this was a really big deal for me. Knowing that my mom was worried for me because (of course) she felt and kind of saw how I struggled was really stange to hear. But this is a whole other story and I don't want this post become any longer!
So I hope you all are doing better and keep fighting!! I know it is worth it and I just need to remind myself once in a while, how good I'm doing and how far I got!
Have a great day everyone!!
EDIT: Oh and just so you have something nice to look at, here are pics of the fox-puppies (do you call them puppies?!) we have in the deserted garden opposite our office, aren't they too cute?